Subject: Every day a new low in stupidity
befuddled old fart claims brilliant military victory over California

late last night, in a daring raid, the brave US soldiers of the Twelfth Spigot-Opening Battalion overcame the rebel forces of Mad Governor Newsom in what will forever be known as the Battle of the Ginormous Fucking Faucet That Doesn’t Actually Exist.

“The United States Military just entered the Great State of California and, under Emergency Powers, TURNED ON THE WATER flowing abundantly from the Pacific Northwest, and beyond. The days of putting a Fake Environmental argument, over the PEOPLE, are OVER. Enjoy the water, California!!!”

now what in the hallowed name of Severe Head Trauma Jesus is this? because no, no, no, no, and FUCK no, none of this happened. nothing even close to this happened.

seriously, I woke up this morning and saw the screen shot of Donny’s post being passed around on the interwebs and thought, ‘this has to be fake’ — but no, it is goddamned real.

the question must be asked: what did the president imagine, and when did he imagine it? because here’s what actually happened.

“The military did not enter California. The federal government restarted federal water pumps after they were offline for maintenance for three days. State water supplies in Southern California remain plentiful.”

this is where we are now as a country. our out-there-where-the-buses-don’t-run president farts out some late-night fever-swamp hallucination, and some poor schnook at the CA Department of Water Resources has to get out of bed at one o’clock in the morning to reassure the world that Commander Crazypants didn’t attempt a coup in California.

it’s fucking insane, is what it is.

there are so many questions. are the brave US soldiers of the Twelfth Spigot-Opening Battalion in the room with us right now? do they have a cool military nickname? how about the Fightin’ Spigoteers, can we call them that? how many of them did it take to turn that building-sized faucet? will Donny be awarding them the Medal of Freedom for their heroics?

look at Fox News. they’re taking Donny’s blithering at face value.

--President Donald Trump claimed Monday night that the military entered California and “turned on the water,” but state water officials contend that the president’s claim is false.

“The United States Military just entered the Great State of California and, under Emergency Powers, TURNED ON THE WATER flowing abundantly from the Pacific Northwest, and beyond,” Trump wrote on Truth Social.

But the California Department of Water Resources responded that the military never entered the Golden State and that the state continues to have plenty of water resources.--

[here follows a list of MAGAs social media posts gushing over Trump's brilliant victory and praising him to the high heavens]

my god. if you wired all the cultist’s brains together, there wouldn’t be enough voltage to power a flashlight.

is there anything that Donny could say now that would be too out there for the cultists to believe? if Donny announced that the moon was made of meat, would Fox News start doling out recipes for Moon au Vin?

none of this is normal — and yet, just hours before Donny’s latest over-the-rainbow break with reality, the Washington Post was trying to convince us that oh yes, it is normal.

what the fuck are you doing, WaPo?

if Jeff Bezos wants to curry favor with Dear Leader by slobbering all over his ass, fine. it’s still a free country, for now. but don’t you fucking dare expect us to pretend that any of this is normal.

it is not normal for a United States President to invent glorious military conquests over building-sized faucets that don’t actually exist — and it should never be normal for the media to pat him on the head and play along.

Tiedrich