Subject: More Virgin Monk Boy
⚠️ SPIRITUAL SATIRE AHEAD
If you're allergic to irony, critical thinking, or basic human decency, you may experience side effects such as rage, deflection, or an urge to comment “fake news” without reading. Consult your inner guru before proceeding. No refunds for lost illusions.

"Blessed are the memory-holed, for they shall never be held accountable." — Gospel of QAnon’t 3:16

Behold! The sacred scrolls were promised. The Files of Filth whispered from podiums and podcast microphones like the lost gospels of Gomorrah, prophesied to reveal who flew the friendly skies with Brother Jeffrey and his Temple of Trauma. MAGA apostles wailed: “Release the list!” like a Gregorian chant echoing through a strip mall megachurch.

But lo—what light through yonder nothing breaks? 'Tis Trump, and the list is gone.

And CNN’s Jake Tapper, high priest of Exasperated Journalism, hath declared:
"You’re being played for fools."
Which is spiritually generous, considering that some of y’all volunteered for the clown makeup.

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Once Upon a Memo

First, let us set the scene: A nation of conspiracy prophets, hungry for justice and secretly hoping their political enemies were among the wicked frequent flyers. Enter: Attorney General Pam Bondi, the High Priestess of Phase One Binders, who once claimed the Epstein client list was “on her desk.” And then… handed out press clippings like it was a book report on Dateline NBC.

Meanwhile, Elon the Megaphone tweeted about “the list” like a divorced dad yelling outside a closed Chuck E. Cheese. Bongino, freshly hatched FBI prophet and part-time kettlebell influencer, swore he'd never let this story go—until he got promoted and mysteriously developed selective amnesia.

And now? The gospel has shifted.

The Miraculous Transfiguration of the Epstein Files

The Trump administration, in a twist worthy of Monty Python and the Holy Gaslight, has now declared:
“There is no list. There was no list. You imagined the list.”

Cue the divine shrug.

Imagine Jesus promising to raise Lazarus, then showing up at the tomb and saying,

“Actually, I never said that. And besides, death is a hoax.”

And when the disciples ask, “What about Lazarus?”

“Why are you people still talking about this dead creep?”

MAGA: Making Amnesia Great Again

Let’s be honest: this isn’t a cover-up. This is a spiritual prank.

The kind where a false messiah stands at the pulpit, screams “I ALONE CAN DECLASSIFY,” and then blames the Deep State when the scrolls go missing under his own administration’s watch.

Trump officials spent years pounding the golden pulpit about the “Epstein files.”
Now that they’re in charge again?
Suddenly, the temple veil is torn and behind it... a whiteboard that says "Nope. Case Closed."

Tapper, like a lone monk in a madhouse of mirrors, just wants you to notice that the emperor not only has no clothes—he also insists you imagined his last outfit.

Thus Spoke the Gospel of Spin

Let us meditate together:
When a list is promised but not delivered,
When justice is vowed but not pursued,
When outrage is sparked and then siphoned into silence,
Who, dear pilgrims, is doing the playing?
And who is the fool?

You can chant “Where’s the list?” until your MAGA hat bursts into flame, but make no mistake—the shrine has been emptied. The oracle has gone golfing. The scrolls are now reclassified as “nothingburgers,” served with a side of “blame the media.”

In this parable, the gaslight is the altar, and you’re still lighting the candles