A U.S. aircraft carrier and guided-missile destroyer successfully evaded multiple unprovoked Iranian attacks,” said Centcom

Expressing deep disappointment in the lack of basic neighborly manners, U.S. Central Command officials blasted Iran on Saturday for launching an “entirely unprovoked” attack against American warships that were just minding their own business while routinely vaporizing Iranian infrastructure.

“There we were, minding our own business, peacefully flattening three of their oil tankers and launching a casual, multi-day bombing campaign over their sovereign territory, when out of nowhere, they committed a completely random, motiveless act of violence against us,” said a visibly shaken Gen. Michael Kurilla, noting that the U.S. Navy had gone through the immense trouble of sailing an entire carrier strike group halfway across the globe just to deliver a polite, 2,000-pound message of regional stability.