Mascara-wearing brimstone enthusiast and convenience-Catholic-convert J.D. "The Closer" Vance warned Pope Leo XIV to be careful when discussing matters outside of his field of expertise, such as theology.

"He's going to screw up my book launch," said the Vice-President, who will publish his new tome, Finding My Way Back To Faith By Selling My Soul To The Antichrist on June 16th. "I've spent literally weeks studying my new religion and reflecting how it can tie me in to the big fundraising bucks."

"I'm smug, I've got a blonde side piece, I'm sporting the baby devil beard, I'm the whole GOP package. I don't need some goodie-two-shoes in the Vatican to tell me what Jesus H. Christ allegedly said."

Vance also reflected that his humiliating fealty to convicted fraudster and sex-predator Donald Trump only strengthens his own personal relationship with Jesus. "J.C and J.D., get it? We're like two peas in a pod. On my upcoming book tour, I plan to walk humbly in his very footsteps."

"He also had a daddy who gave him all the shit jobs and ultimately hung him out to dry."