HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW WHO TO VOTE FOR WITH TWO DAN SULLIVANS AND ZERO MOHAMMEDS?

“U.S. Attorney General Todd Blanche defended his department’s lawsuit seeking to stop Alaska from automatically certifying the results of its Senate election if the Republican incumbent loses... The Justice Department claims that potential confusion over candidates with similar names is the reason for the suit, though some Democrats have argued that it is actually an attempt to interfere in the democratic process.” — NPR

“I’m the president. I can call him whatever the hell I want. To me, he’s Mohammed, and he’s a radical jihadist.” — President Donald Trump speaking about Michigan Democratic Senatorial Candidate Abdul El-Sayed during a campaign rally.

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People don’t like to admit it, but voting is hard. Not because rural Americans can’t reliably mail in their ballots or because paramilitary forces are stalking polling sites. It’s hard because you’re expected to know the answer to “Which Republican should I vote for?” without any help from election officials.

That’s what makes what’s happening in Alaska all the more disturbing. Democrats are playing name games, rigging the ballot in a way that will confuse even the smartest Republicans and bring socialism to the last frontier.

How are voters supposed to know who to choose when there are two candidates named Dan Sullivan and zero named Mohammed?

The Democrats aren’t even trying to hide it. Doesn’t it seem suspicious that, in one Senate race, two men with the same name are running against each other—and zero named Mohammed? There aren’t even any variations, like Mohammad, Muhammad, or Mamadou. It’s the most common name in the world, yet when Alaskans vote for their next senator, they’ll find two Dan Sullivans and zero people that Islamophobes can scapegoat.

They think their little second Sullivan trick will work because voters are stupid. They think Republicans aren’t smart enough to remember the full name of their two-term senator. That conservative voters are too dumb to notice that one Dan Sullivan is listed as the registered Republican incumbent. That, in their confusion, someone might vote against the party responsible for skyrocketing gas, grocery, and health care costs.

Well, they’re right. And without a Muslim politician to scare moderates away, there’s a real chance that Alaskans will elect a Democrat over either Sullivan. It’s a desperate, yet clear, case of election interference.

That’s why the Department of Justice must interfere in this election. The DOJ will not sit idly by while voters are misled over perfectly normal, white names. It would be an injustice for Alaskans to wrongfully elect a Democrat just because they were confused over who to vote for and who to fear. And preventing injustice is one of the core principles of the Department of Justice—right up there with unilaterally serving President Trump and raiding the homes of the Muslim politicians that get elected despite it all.

For democracy to work, voting needs to be simple and easy: Choose between a nice, Christian conservative and an evil Muslim immigrant. Sadly, the left hates democracy. They want to disenfranchise an entire population of conservatives who can’t distinguish between two white men or figure out ranked-choice voting. How will people know who to support if they have to base their vote on actual policies instead of identities?

Thankfully, there’s an easy way to tell whether Democrats have tricked voters: See who they elect. If, against all odds, they elect Mary Peltola, then we have irrefutable proof that the sanctity of our democracy has been compromised. There is simply no other explanation for why a state Trump won by thirteen points would elect a Democrat except that they were confused and misled.

If, on the other hand, Dan Sullivan is reelected, disregard all of this interference talk. Our elections are working just as God and our founders intended!—Evan Dotas, McSweeney’s