No. of Recommendations: 5
Experts once believed that wildfire smoke was connected to rising temperatures, drought, and increasingly severe fire seasons. But that explanation contains the phrase “climate change,” which has been removed from federal vocabulary and replaced with “weather doing woke stuff.”
The new official position is that forests burn because Canada lacks strong leadership.
American forests, by contrast, burn patriotically.
They do not spread foreign smoke. They release freedom vapor.
Evangelical leaders have praised the president’s atmospheric border policy, noting that God divided the nations and therefore probably intended weather to respect the same boundaries.
The Book of Genesis does not specifically mention tariffs. However, this has never stopped anyone from finding Republican economic policy in Scripture.
Some pastors are already calling for prayer against illegal clouds.
“Lord, build a hedge of protection around our airspace,” they will pray from churches cooled by electricity generated from fuels that helped create the conditions they are praying against.
Meanwhile, Canada continues fighting hundreds of wildfires, evacuating communities, and deploying thousands of firefighters.
This may sound like the actual emergency.
It is not.
The real emergency is that Americans briefly had to smell another country.
Trump has promised to defend us.
Today, Canadian smoke.
Tomorrow, Mexican humidity.
By next spring, the administration may impose tariffs on pollen, migratory birds, and any rainstorm unable to provide proof of citizenship.
Unfortunately, creation remains poorly governed.
Rivers cross borders. Birds ignore checkpoints. Seeds travel without passports. The wind goes wherever it pleases, carrying smoke, rain, dust, prayers, and the occasional red hat that was not secured properly.
The wind has never applied for a visa.
It has never pledged allegiance to a flag.
And despite our best efforts, it still refuses to recognize Donald Trump as president of the atmosphere.
Virgin Monk Boy
