You had me at . . . 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘍𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘰.

There appears to be a question whether the horse-thieves, pirates and miscreants of the far-flung Fardo Clan are responsible for the publication of these legendary and respected Christmas poems. I can’t speak for my relatives, especially the inbreed branch in Texas, but I can address the suspicion that I, Elias, am responsible.

I submit the following examination which should guide us through the question of my involvement. We ask: could it have been me?

One: 𝘐 𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘉𝘦𝘳𝘬𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘏𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘮𝘢𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘦𝘮𝘴,1999–2009,𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘮 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘣𝘢𝘳 𝘯𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘉𝘦𝘳𝘬𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘏𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘐 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘱𝘶𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. That could have been me except for 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭-𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳. I am never professional-looking in bars and seldom a stranger to or in them. Could this stranger in the bar actually have been a 77-year-old, grumpy, overweight, balding man wearing a coffee-stained shirt, looking like he just retired from his afternoon map? We probe: is our publisher a professional-looking stranger? If not, it could have been me.

Two: Was the book in question a legitimate vehicle for UsuallyReasonable’s Christmas poems, or was this whole book just a send-up, an excuse to present Elias Fardo’s poem originally submitted to the board as a continuation of one of the UsuallyReasonable’s Christmas poems, placing it with all power and glory at the front of the book, leaving the annual Christmas poems to explain the genesis of Fardo’s one overlooked submission? We inquire: was this an honest anthology of the annual Christmas poems? If not, it could have been me.

Three: Was the transfer to print of the handwritten Christmas poems rendered with numerous misspellings, typos and poor punctuation? We question: was this a faultless copy of the poems as originally posted on the board? If not, it could have been me.

Four: Could this compilation be published by a slothful man who has difficulty performing more than one productive task a day? We query: did it require a great deal of effort, typing, editing, printing and marketing? If not, it could have been me.

I believe that you will conclude that I am not capable of producing this anthology after you read your own copy of it, which you should already have ordered. I expect that you will find it to be a beautiful and competent compilation of UsuallyReasonable’s Christmas poems, something of which I am not capable of compiling. If any Fardos are responsible for this, they must be from the Oklahoma Clan which expelled me in 1999 because of my profligate ways.

All seriousness aside, I am as curious as anyone else about my participation, if any, in the production of this anthology.