Commies Everywhere!

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“The goal is not to defeat Communism. The goal is to turn political opposition into treason.”

America is once again facing the gravest threat in its history, according to the same people who have identified twelve gravest threats since breakfast.

This time, it is Communism.

Not actual Communism, obviously. Workers are not seizing factories. Private property has not been abolished. Jeff Bezos has not been dragged off his yacht and forced to deliver his own packages.

This is television Communism, the cheaper American version. It now includes public schools, health insurance, labor unions, voting rights, clean energy, library books, bike lanes, and any coffee shop that serves oat milk without first saluting the flag.

The Republican messaging machine has its script. Cable news hosts are warming up the red-scare sirens. Social media patriots are making grainy memes of Democrats wearing Soviet hats. Somewhere in Washington, a consultant is adding a hammer and sickle to a photograph of a city councilwoman who suggested planting trees downtown.

The message is easy enough for everyone to remember.

Every Democrat is a Communist.

Every Republican defeat is Communist sabotage.

Every effort to count all the votes is suspiciously Marxist.

Why bother debating policies when you can accuse your opponent of plotting to nationalize everyone’s toaster?

Want affordable health care? Communist.

Think billionaires should pay taxes? Communist.

Believe presidents should follow the law? Deeply Communist.

Suggest feeding hungry schoolchildren? Stalin himself packed the applesauce.

The whole thing would be merely stupid if it were not also useful.

First, convince people that their Democratic neighbors are not just wrong, but dangerous. Then explain that elections are too important to be left to all those suspicious voters. Finally, announce that voting rules must be tightened, polling places reduced, ballots challenged, election workers threatened, and inconvenient results reviewed by a committee of patriotic men who all happen to own matching red hats.

Do not worry. These emergency measures will only be temporary.

They will end the moment Republicans are guaranteed to win forever.

The slickest part is that authoritarianism gets sold as protection from authoritarianism.

The government is not silencing critics. It is protecting the public from Communist misinformation.

It is not attacking journalists. It is defending America from radical fact-checking.

It is not interfering with elections. It is preventing dangerous voters from using ballots as weapons of mass democracy.

Soon, ordinary life may require an ideological background check.

Before entering a polling place, citizens could be asked whether they have ever shared a casserole, supported public transportation, or used the phrase “common good.” Anyone answering yes will be taken aside for additional screening and a short educational video narrated by Kid Rock.

Libraries will be searched for dangerous material, including books about civil rights, labor history, poverty, science, and the troubling theory that poor people are fully human.

Public parks may be investigated for encouraging people to enjoy publicly funded space without making a purchase.

Fire departments will face questions about why they distribute emergency services according to need rather than credit score.

Even highways could become suspect. Everyone using the same roads? Sounds collectivist.

The Communist threat has to remain vague because details would spoil the fun. Actual communists usually identify themselves as communists. The imaginary kind can be anyone Republicans need to discredit before the next election.

Teachers, judges, scientists, librarians, union members, students, immigrants, environmentalists, election workers, federal employees, and that aunt who keeps asking why insulin costs so much can all be tossed into the same giant sack labeled “Enemies of Freedom.”

The goal is not to defeat Communism. The goal is to turn political opposition into treason.

Once that trick is accepted, Republicans can never really lose.

If they win, the people rejected Communism.

If they lose, Communists stole the election.

Democracy becomes a vending machine that is only considered functional when it dispenses the snack Republicans selected in advance.

Yes, the whole production is ridiculous. It deserves mockery. It deserves laughter. It deserves a marching band made entirely of kazoos.

But it also deserves attention.

When politicians begin inventing enemies inside the country, they are usually preparing the public for what they want permission to do to those enemies.

The clown car is funny.

It is still heading toward the polling station.

And every clown inside it is carrying a clipboard, a blacklist, and a freshly manufactured emergency.

open.substack.com - The great communist under the bed

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