Dear friends, family, MAGA stalwarts, RINO sellouts, and all the democratic-communist-anarcho-syndicalist piggies out there — Merry Christmas!

Here is another year’s worth of fabulous news from our fantastic family!

Everything starts with our heroic first lady, Melania, who, as you remember, LOVES decorating for Christmas. If you can’t make it to the White House to ogle the new Lego portraits of George Washington and yours truly, check out the three-minute video of Melania greeting the horse-drawn Christmas tree pulling up at the White House!

Neither she nor the Clydesdales do much talking, but don’t miss “Melania Trump’s Big Holiday Reveal.” Spoiler alert: It’s a lot like “Infrastructure Week.”

Melania is so happy that 19-year-old Barron is living at home again! I can’t tell if he’s actually studying or nosing around the crypto trough with his brothers. Forbes says he’s worth $150 million! All I know is that there’s plenty of funny money to go around.

How about number one son, Donald Jr.? What a star! He’s a business genius; the Trump Organization has been minting money since my inauguration — can you imagine? He runs a side hustle — sorry, business — with Steve (“Moscow Mule”) Witkoff’s son, Zach. Yahoo! Finance says they are planning to “bring the Trump family’s real estate empire onto the blockchain,” whatever that means.

It’s as if Bernie Madoff teamed up with Colonel Sanders — two great business minds at work!

People say Don Jr.’s superexcellent, charismatic brother Eric gets overlooked in these letters, but nothing could be further from the truth.

How about Ivanka? Raising three children in the “Billionaire Bunker” of Indian Creek, Fla. She’s Tom Brady’s neighbor! It’s so great she’s letting husband Jared Kushner outside the gated community to save the world again! He put those pesky Gazans in their place and now he’s going to work on selling out — sorry, securing the future of — Ukraine.

Good things always happen when Jared tackles a problem — good things for Jared, that is.

Speaking of altruistic family members, Tiffany’s husband, Michael Boulos, has been keeping a low profile ever since the failing New York Times reported that he overcharged Jared on a yacht deal, and that the Boulos family was capitalizing on their Trump connection to flog deals in the Middle East and elsewhere.

Tiffany kicked off this month by sharing “adorable photos of baby son Alexander,” according to Hello magazine. How to change the narrative, baby girl! You learned from a pro.

There are so many successful Trumps it’s hard to keep track of them all. Do you like watching paint dry? Then spend time with the hour-long video of me playing golf with granddaughter Kai at the National Golf Club in Virginia, named after you know who. Here’s a teaser sample of the crackling repartee:

Me: Let’s go baby, we gotta make a birdie.

Kai: Let’s do this.

She hasn’t even started college and they let her play in a professional tournament! She finished last (sad!) but I’m sure she learned a valuable life lesson: If you want to rack up championships make sure you own the course. Works for me!

Me? Thanks for asking, as they like to say in Cambridge, Mass. Solving wars before they break out, playing the occasional round of golf, and bringing some long overdue classiness back to the White House. We put gold fixtures (and about half a quarry’s worth of statuary marble) in the Lincoln bathroom! I know Abe would approve.

We were planning a Christmas cruise in the Caribbean but with trigger-happy Pete Hegseth blasting everything that moves, I think we’ll celebrate on dry land, thank you very much.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays! Everything else is woke nonsense!

P.S. Click on the QR code at the bottom of this message and you can contribute to the Mega-Don Ballroom Fund! I’ll save the first dance for you, or maybe a well-deserved pardon! You can buy our meme coins, $TRUMP and $MELANIA there, too. They’ve lost a little value (86 percent and 99 percent, respectively) but I blame former president Joe Biden!

Thank you for your attention to this matter!

——Alex Beam